The First Heartache

No, it’s not the romantic kind of heartache -- I don’t think I am ready yet for my little girl to have a love life.  This one has to do with her first love, Taekwondo.  For the first time in two years and 9 tournaments, she finished without placing in her category, but with a load of lessons in life nonetheless.

It was heart-wrenching for me to see her teary eyed as she took off her gear after losing a really close fight.  It was the first time I saw that look of pain in her eyes and I knew she was fighting so hard to keep the pain inside her from showing.  I actually wanted to cry at the courageous front she displayed.  We gave her bear hugs and praised her for a well-fought match.  She ran off to watch the other games with her friends, but kept on coming back for money to sample the different kinds of food in the cafeteria – she probably had about four cups of the local flavored shaved ice treat called scramble.  The worrier in me can’t help but feel that there is something amiss despite her assurances that she is okay.

We finally got our alone time after school the next day and I took the opportunity to check how she felt about what happened.  It bothered me to think that she might be hiding her feelings.  Young as she is, I had to draw out her feelings and make sure that she processes them well.  After a few minutes of sharing, she admitted that although she knew it was just a game, she felt some kind of “pain” deep inside that she could not explain.  She said she felt like she disappointed her parents, her coaches, and everyone else who expected her to win.  We cannot, I told her, allow this feeling to douse her spirits.  We definitely are far from disappointed at her and definitely do not love her any less. 

At 10 years old, this is just the first of several other heartaches she will be experiencing in life.  Teaching her how to deal with failure and how to use her failure to improve herself is a lesson that she has to learn this early in life.  Despite her young age, coddling her and blaming others for her failure is not the way to ease her heartache.  Acknowledging what happened and seeing it for what it really is rather than waxing it over would actually allow her to move forward with valuable lessons in tow.  Things do not always go as you wish.  There are things that are not within your control.  You simply have to learn how to deal with these variables to tip the odds more to your favor the next time.  And if you should fail again, get up, learn from it, and try again.  

It seems that my daughter’s spirits are still intact – I am happy that she is taking this heartache in stride.  “I’m okay, mom.  I know that I did my best and I was there not only for myself but for my team,” she said.  Her indomitable spirit persists.  As for us parents, we shall continue to love, nurture, and prepare her as best we could so that she can enjoy life knowing how to deal with failures and celebrate successes.   

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” Colin Powell

TIP BOX:  Helping Kids Deal with Failure

1.       Do not be judgmental.  Continue to give support despite their failure.  A big hug and words of encouragement would keep them from falling deeper into feelings of defeat.  As parents, we should be able to reinforce feelings of being loved and to preserve our children’s self-esteem through failures.

2.  Give them space.  Especially for ‘tweens and older kids, hovering might not be a good idea and might only cause them to shut themselves off from you.  Give them time to settle and talk about what happened when they are ready to express their feelings.

3.       Help them sort through their emotions. It might be as simple as falling off a bike or struggling to finish an 8-piece puzzle, but such failures could bring a wave of emotions that could prove to be overwhelming for kids.  Parental involvement in these failures is essential in helping kids sort through these emotions, identify what these emotions are, and learn how to deal with these emotions.

4.       Foster perseverance. Help your child get up and try again.   You and your child can both cull lessons from what happened and carefully plan out what improvements need to be done in order to succeed the next time around.  Talk about his strengths and weaknesses and talk about how he can turn out a better performance.

5.       Be a good example.  Younger kids take their cues from their parents.  The way you deal with failure and disappointment would influence the way your kids react to their own failures. Do not be the first one to cry foul over and react adversely toward your child’s failure.  Show that failure is not as important as the lessons you learn from it.   

“A man may fall many times, but he won't be a failure until he says that someone pushed him.”  Elmer G. Letterman

Parents And Children: Talking Life With My Tween

It was another melodramatic episode that we had the other night with my husband and my 9-year old daughter both wrangling with their emotions over an activity my daughter wanted to do but my husband would not allow her to – now, there’s nothing really unusual about that as I am sure a lot of parents struggle with the same issues.  As I tried to calm our daughter and talk through her tears to try to make her understand, I found myself talking to her in the very same words our parents used some two decades ago when I myself was a teenager.  Even as she kept on saying “it’s different now, Mom” when we started our talk, I pressed on until the tears ebbed and we came to a mutual understanding.

Her tears, according to her, are not because she’s mad but because she just feels that she needs to let out her disappointment about not being able to do something that she really wanted to do.  After hearing her out, it’s time for her to hear me out.  It was a long talk that we had – some two hours, maybe more, I think.  Some of the things we talked about:

1.      The birdling analogy:  the more a birdling struggles to get free from your grasp, the tighter you grasp it.  In the same way, we hold on to our children not to stifle them and curtail their freedom but because their wings are not just ready yet for them to fly off.  Children should allow their parents to nurture them and prepare them for independence.  When their wings are strong enough, they can flutter away into infinite skies without much difficulty and with enough sense to know the path home anytime they need comfort and solace.  Cooperating with your parents and showing that you understand what they are teaching you will ease that grasp a bit at a time and earn you your freedom sooner than when you resist. 

2.      We want you to enjoy life.  Not being allowed to do some things today, does not mean that we do not want you to enjoy life.  Our decisions are definitely not intended to make you feel bad.   There is a time and place for everything.  You just have to continue growing and learning as you should until such time when you are ready to do all the things you want to do – at which point, you can fully enjoy your life with both you and your parents confident enough that your decisions are borne out of careful consideration and sound judgement rather than of mere emotional outburst. 

3.      There are a lot of disappointments in life.  Just as you are now disappointed, there are a lot more disappointments that will come in your life.  What will determine what happens after is the way you react to these disappointments.  You cannot just wallow in tears and feel bad, harboring ill feelings and grudges.  You have to be willing and able to shrug it off, knowing that you have a lot better things going in your life.  Keeping these little bits of negative feelings will take up too much space in your mind and in your heart – space that would be better off storing happy thoughts and positive energies.  Focus more on the things you can do to push yourself to become a better person every chance you get.

4.      We are not perfect.  Do not think that we are expecting you to be perfect as well.  Our goal is to work together to prepare you as best we could for whatever cards life might deal you.  Daddy and Mommy also make mistakes.  You are part of the team – all three of us should cooperate to work towards improving ourselves and the life we live.  In case any one of us makes a mistake, we have our family to turn to.  No, your parents will not pick up the pieces for you but, they will be there every step of the way to see that you do get right back on track.

I am not entirely sure if it’s too early for us to be talking to her about the complexities of life, after all, life should be simple enough for children to enjoy.  We ended with yet another one of our parents’ constant reminder that:  we may not understand things just yet but if we keep an open mind and remember the things they are telling us, time will come when we will understand them and find them meaningful in our lives.  My daughter seemed to have understood as she played an active role in our talk, injecting her own simple interpretations of the things I am imparting to her.  And so, at 3 am, the tears were gone, we were hugging and chuckling, she said:  “Thank you, Mom.  I’m better now.”

P.S.  With puberty coming around the corner, I expect that we will be having more of these talks.  I do hope that she continues to approach our conversations with the same open eyes, mind, and heart.  It is our belief that this collaborative approach to building our family is the best way to prepare her for the future.  Oh Dear God, grant us the same discerning minds and nurturing hearts that you blessed our parents with to be able to steer our daughter through the challenges that make this life a truly exciting journey.