Parents And Children: Talking Life With My Tween

It was another melodramatic episode that we had the other night with my husband and my 9-year old daughter both wrangling with their emotions over an activity my daughter wanted to do but my husband would not allow her to – now, there’s nothing really unusual about that as I am sure a lot of parents struggle with the same issues.  As I tried to calm our daughter and talk through her tears to try to make her understand, I found myself talking to her in the very same words our parents used some two decades ago when I myself was a teenager.  Even as she kept on saying “it’s different now, Mom” when we started our talk, I pressed on until the tears ebbed and we came to a mutual understanding.

Her tears, according to her, are not because she’s mad but because she just feels that she needs to let out her disappointment about not being able to do something that she really wanted to do.  After hearing her out, it’s time for her to hear me out.  It was a long talk that we had – some two hours, maybe more, I think.  Some of the things we talked about:

1.      The birdling analogy:  the more a birdling struggles to get free from your grasp, the tighter you grasp it.  In the same way, we hold on to our children not to stifle them and curtail their freedom but because their wings are not just ready yet for them to fly off.  Children should allow their parents to nurture them and prepare them for independence.  When their wings are strong enough, they can flutter away into infinite skies without much difficulty and with enough sense to know the path home anytime they need comfort and solace.  Cooperating with your parents and showing that you understand what they are teaching you will ease that grasp a bit at a time and earn you your freedom sooner than when you resist. 

2.      We want you to enjoy life.  Not being allowed to do some things today, does not mean that we do not want you to enjoy life.  Our decisions are definitely not intended to make you feel bad.   There is a time and place for everything.  You just have to continue growing and learning as you should until such time when you are ready to do all the things you want to do – at which point, you can fully enjoy your life with both you and your parents confident enough that your decisions are borne out of careful consideration and sound judgement rather than of mere emotional outburst. 

3.      There are a lot of disappointments in life.  Just as you are now disappointed, there are a lot more disappointments that will come in your life.  What will determine what happens after is the way you react to these disappointments.  You cannot just wallow in tears and feel bad, harboring ill feelings and grudges.  You have to be willing and able to shrug it off, knowing that you have a lot better things going in your life.  Keeping these little bits of negative feelings will take up too much space in your mind and in your heart – space that would be better off storing happy thoughts and positive energies.  Focus more on the things you can do to push yourself to become a better person every chance you get.

4.      We are not perfect.  Do not think that we are expecting you to be perfect as well.  Our goal is to work together to prepare you as best we could for whatever cards life might deal you.  Daddy and Mommy also make mistakes.  You are part of the team – all three of us should cooperate to work towards improving ourselves and the life we live.  In case any one of us makes a mistake, we have our family to turn to.  No, your parents will not pick up the pieces for you but, they will be there every step of the way to see that you do get right back on track.

I am not entirely sure if it’s too early for us to be talking to her about the complexities of life, after all, life should be simple enough for children to enjoy.  We ended with yet another one of our parents’ constant reminder that:  we may not understand things just yet but if we keep an open mind and remember the things they are telling us, time will come when we will understand them and find them meaningful in our lives.  My daughter seemed to have understood as she played an active role in our talk, injecting her own simple interpretations of the things I am imparting to her.  And so, at 3 am, the tears were gone, we were hugging and chuckling, she said:  “Thank you, Mom.  I’m better now.”

P.S.  With puberty coming around the corner, I expect that we will be having more of these talks.  I do hope that she continues to approach our conversations with the same open eyes, mind, and heart.  It is our belief that this collaborative approach to building our family is the best way to prepare her for the future.  Oh Dear God, grant us the same discerning minds and nurturing hearts that you blessed our parents with to be able to steer our daughter through the challenges that make this life a truly exciting journey.  

The Trade-Off

I cook, I clean, I pick up after my husband and daughter, I drive my daughter to her after-school activities, I tutor my daughter, I write, I do so many other things.  No, I do not have an office with a view.  No, I do not have piles of Manila folders on my desk with papers waiting for my signature.  No, I do not scuttle from one long meeting to another.  Down plunges my “wow” factor meter as most people feign interest and ask with seeming embarrassment why I have not continued on to climb the corporate ladder.  I chose to devote my time and effort to my family.  It’s as simple as that.  Besides, what could be more important than family?

It was about six years ago when I made the decision to leave a promising marketing career in a multinational financial institution.  It was a difficult decision to make – but it was a decision that I knew was coming anytime soon after my daughter was born.  I was a workaholic.  I still am.  And, I think I always will be.  I always have to have my plate full.  Otherwise, I start feeling restless.  Those who know me would be nodding incessantly at this point.  It’s not healthy but, I guess I do feed off stress and activity.  So, although I have ceased to churn out business reports, pencil-push figures for the annual budget, and mark-off tasks in Gantt charts, no, I am never without anything to keep me busy.

To those who think being a full-time mom is a walk in the park, you have no idea what you are talking about.  I remember one time as I was driving home with my daughter, we were practicing for her “big school” interview.  I asked her the basic questions:  What’s your dad’s name?, What’s your mom’s name?, What do you want to be when you grow up?, etc., etc..  When I asked her “What does your mom do?”  She quickly quipped, “Oh, she drives for me, she cooks my food, she takes care of me, and then she goes to work.”  Translated, being a full-time mom means having a whole lot of tasks in your Gantt chart, all marked out without end.  Being a full-time mom is the toughest job in the entire world. But, it is also the most rewarding in so many facets. Those who take the "career" as seriously as we do would understand. Only those who do not give a care as to how their children and families turn out can make derogatory comments or scoff at it.

It would be hypocritical of me to say that I do not get affected by the implied association of  being “just” a full-time mom to being too lazy to hold a full-time job, to not being bright or capable enough to be considered for long-term employment, or to being wasteful of God-given skills and talents.  There are times when I do feel the slump.  Most of the time, a great big bear hug from my husband and daughter or a phone call from my sisters would bring me back out from my mental flagellation.  Come to think of it, I bet there are a lot of moms out there who wish they had more time to spend with their families instead of being stuck working for big bosses in the steely corporate jungle.  They work their butts off like there is no tomorrow in hopes of eventually earning fatter paychecks to bring home to their families.   

As devoted parents, our efforts should be focused on making sure that we provide our children with all the tools they need in order to be the best that they can be. These tools, if I may stress, are not limited to material things. In fact, the most important tools that can never be taken from them are those that are non-material. Our success will be judged not by spectators on the side-lines today but by our children later on in their lives when they weather life's challenges and come out with their persons intact, all because they were brought up properly.  Our performance appraisal as career moms will be done much, much later.  There is no raise that comes with a raving appraisal, nor is there a promotion in store.  But, I bet the feeling of contentment and pride that comes from a job well done as a career mom has no equal. 

I chose to forego the regular paycheck and the chance to be the top man in the corporate hierarchy in exchange for the financial juggling I have had to deal with as I make an effort to add to the family coffer.  Yes, I still manage to generate some income even outside employment. Aside from being a full-time career mom, I am also a freelance writer and an insurance and financial services professional.  Money does not come regularly but sometimes we do have a little more to spend for a special mommy and daughter day out – a whole afternoon at the mall checking out stores that daddy does not have the tolerance to endure, food-tripping on frozen yogurt, soft tacos and nachos, a cup of coffee and a slice of cake, and just clowning around while people-watching.       

No, I am not employed.  Yes, my family is my career.  Do I regret making the choice?  No, not at all.  Being a career mom is not glamorous or prestigious for most – not at the very least since you have to get down and dirty most of the time.  I do miss dressing up and being made-up all the time.  But, nothing beats the enjoyment of playing dress up with my daughter and fooling around with face paint.  I do miss having money at the end of the month to spend for doodads  --  but then again, sometimes there’s not much left for anything else other than the daily grande-sized after-lunch gourmet coffee, the sit-down dinners almost every night, and the Friday nights hang-out with the gang.  I definitely feel more contented being around for my family even if it is a 24-hour job with overtime.  I would not trade being a career mom back for any other career. 

Here are some of the trade-offs I have had to make by choosing to be a career mom:    

1.      Waking up at 5am to get dressed and ready for the office  >>  Waking up at 5am to help my daughter get ready for school and my husband for the office – after they’re out of the house, I get to spend a few minutes of alone time before I go and deal with the day’s schedule

2.      Enduring the 2-hour traffic to work  >>  Getting out of the house after the rush-hour traffic has eased

3.      Cracking my brains for projects that will benefit the company  >>  Cracking my brains for projects that will enhance our family life

4.      Restaurant dinners after late nights at the office  >>  Whipping up home-cooked dinner every night with my 9-year old daughter as my assistant chef 

5.      Friday booze night with office friends  >>  Mall dates with my daughter and cuddling in bed with hubby and daughter during sleep-in weekends

6.      Phoning care instructions to a relative when my daughter or husband is sick  >>  Dispensing tender loving care myself whether any one of them is ill or not

7.      Fussing over how to manage my task list to attend to important family matters while important projects are underway  >>  Being able to shove everything else aside temporarily to attend to whatever needs to be attended to for my family

8.      Hearing about my daughter’s day from someone else when I get home – sometimes the day after  >>  Being right smack in my daughter’s life and hearing about her day’s highlights first-hand

9.      Sleeping in the car on the drive home with my husband  >>  Sleeping in my husband’s arms after the day’s chores have been wrapped up

10.  A pat in the back from the bosses for a job well done  >>  A daily dose of a hug, a kiss, and “Mom!  You’re the best Mom ever!”