One Lazy Saturday Afternoon

It's the start of summer -- not officially though for my daughter since her schoolyear doesn't end til tuesday. Days are warmer and longer. It's a lazy saturday afternoon... I've already spent half the day surfing (sadly, I'm not referring to the waves but the net )... No lunch for me yet, I do not deserve it since I have not had any physical activity since breakfast. That's fine by me. I finally have some time to listen to myself. And so this lazy Saturday afternoon goes...

Summers are always lazy times. When my sisters -- I have 3 and no brothers -- and I were in grade school, summers are usually spent at home with mostly indoor activities interspersed with outdoor play -- only in the backyard or at most within the gates of the subdivision where we used to live. My mom would teach us simple Spanish sentences like Como se llama? and Cuantos hermanos tiene?. She'd make cut-outs of different shapes in different sizes from colored paper and we'll have an art day. We'd invite other children from the neighborhood to attend our "summer school" at home capped by a merienda of pastries from our neighborhood bakery and a glass of orange juice. Those were really fun times.

Summers during our high school were also fun. We were active in our neighborhood's Youth Club. We'd organize sportsfests, religious activities and children's activities. There was one summer that we had a sportsfest. We had the works -- uniforms, opening and closing ceremonies, trophies and medals, some teams even had sponsors. I'm proud to say that despite the "prissy" image that I had during that time, I actually got several medals. I ran the 5-meter dash and finished at 2nd place, our women's basketball team got 3rd place. I also got a medal for the table tennis women's singles -- I only learned how to play table tennis that summer and only for the tournament.

Another unforgettable summer activity that we did was the "Pabasa" which is a Holy Week tradition wherein a group of people would read the story of Jesus' sacrifice in a singsong manner non-stop for several days. In our neighborhood, it was done in the meeting hall. The main section of the hall was where the people gathered while a small portion to the side was appointed as the kitchen. This is where glasses of the local ginger ale, "salabat," which supposedly makes the drinker's voice sound better are served. It is also from this kitchen that I've tasted one of the best vegetable soups in my life. To this date, I have not tasted a vegetable soup that equals the one prepared by Mang Pabling (God bless his soul) every summer.

As we grew older, our summers became more like the rest of the year. In college, I took advance units during the summer to lighten my regular load. When I started working, the workload did not allow me to take summer breaks -- no, no, no the workload did not even allow me to take an hour's break. There were times when I even had to work through the Holy Week. Oh but we all know that there really is no difference whether it's summer or christmas for the working man -- each day just rolls by and turns into another day. We did have company outings -- for two summers out of the seven years I worked in one company. Those were fun too. In both cases, we went to the beach. I love the beach.

If we had the time and money, I'd take my family to the beach every summer. It would be fun to spend lazy afternoons lounging around in a veranda looking out into the sea. It would be fun to take a dip and play in the waves just as the sun is preparing to set. I can just imagine how much my daughter will enjoy building a magical sandcastle while her dad and I sit back on beach chairs under a vibrantly colored beach umbrella. Early evening strolls on the beach would be oh so romatic after a light dinner with fine wine and soft music. Wait, wait, wait... where did my daughter go? Oh well, I guess taking her strolling along with us wouldn't hurt a bit. It would be a tad less romantic, though. Sleep would be restful in a bedroom that opens up to a veranda, letting the fresh breeze from the ocean fill our dreams. We'd wake up to the splash of waves on the seashore, beckoning us to go into the sea's embrace. And so, as this lazy saturday afternoon continues, let me escape to my dream vacation at the beach... surf's up!

•March 18, 2006•

Of Vanities and the Quest for True Beauty

In these times of extreme vanity, it is so easy to get drowned in the eddy of societal prejudice and expectations. Fairer people get more attention than darker ones… the prettier college co-ed gets a toothier smile from the barrista at the coffee shop -- and probably extra whipped cream on her coffee too… the employee who is able to navigate his way through the web of office politics and manages to hide his personal problems gets a higher raise... the tall and handsome sales executive gets a huge chunk of company’s sales incentives because the lady clients find it hard to resist his charm… and the list of what we often call the “privileged class” goes on.

I speak of vanity not only from the physical point of view but also of the psycho-social point of view. Liposuctions, botox and obagi treatments, tummy tucks, diamond peels and other cosmetic treatments have become buzz words among the physically vain in the recent years. People suffering from anxiety attacks and nervous breakdowns are getting younger and younger due to the stress of coping with everyday pressures of work, relationships and personal travails. Nowadays, it is not uncommon to hear students being stressed-out due to school work. Then there is the fear of being criticized or looked down upon, the desire to fit in and the need to find the seemingly elusive -- happiness. Generally, it is all about being accepted by society… it is all about being recognized as a worthy member of whatever group it is that we are part of.

For the financially blessed, vanity is a luxury they can enjoy. Going to the salon and the clinic to beautify their exterior selves are just part of their routine. Perhaps some consult regularly with psychiatrists (otherwise known as life coaches) to help them sort out their worries. Some even go on “healing” trips to sprawling nature spas nestled in luscious forests.

For those of us who do not have the means to enjoy these luxuries or for those who consider these luxuries excessive, how do we survive the “vanity attack”? There is hope for those simply looking at physical vanity what with the deluge of beauty products now flooding even the small drugstore around the corner – Green Papaya soap, anyone? No doubt there is also hope for those looking at vanity in the deeper sense – and it could maybe cost you… not a cent.

Whoever said “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is not mistaken. For true beauty goes beyond what is seen by the eyes. True beauty is what is seen through the eyes. True beauty is more what you are inside than what you are in the outside. True vanity is caring for who you are inside. True vanity is making sure you are truly beautiful inside and out.

When you look at yourself in the mirror and look through your eyes, try to see the beauty of your self. The inner self reflects who we really are as a person and the values we hold dearly and would never compromise. The inner self should be strong enough to withstand external pressure. How strong and resilient our inner self is will spell our success in fighting the “vanity attack.”

Caring for our inner self is our key to surviving the “vanity attack.” Take stock of your values and beliefs. Look at who you really are. Understand yourself. Find out what makes you truly happy. Accept yourself. When you know yourself inside-out and accept yourself as you are, you need not worry about what others think about you. You will naturally gravitate towards those who will accept you as you are.

Love yourself. How can others love you when you do not love yourself? With accepting who you are comes loving yourself come-what-may. Yes, no one is perfect but you can also love the imperfect, can’t you? Sometimes it is the tiny dent in the kitchen table that makes it an interesting piece… because it makes you remember the time when you accidentally dropped the beater while making brownies with your momma as a little girl. The dents and scratches caused by the blows of life are what makes us different from each other – what fun would it be if we were all the same? How we dealt, and will deal, with the blows of life were and will be influenced by who we are.

Being truly beautiful means accepting the un-beautiful part of yourself and recognizing that despite these faults you are still beautiful as a person. When you give value to yourself as a person, you also recognize the value you bring to other people. We all exist for a reason. Some may claim that they do not know exactly what it is that they are supposed to accomplish in this life. That is okay. For as long as they accept that they are in this life for a reason… that somehow they are of value in this world. Value yourself and what you do despite the dents and scratches.

When you accept, love and value yourself, you will not fall victim to people who are greatly critical of others. You will be able to look at yourself and ask “Is that criticism true?” If the answer is “no,” then you will be able to simply brush it off. If the answer is “yes,” then you will all too willingly accept the criticism and make the necessary adjustments. But you will not harbor ill-feelings towards others. You are confident about who you are and you do not need the baggage of bearing a grudge.

After all has been said and done, what is most important is that you are comfortable in your own skin. That is, you are able to relate to others unafraid of whether or not you will be acceptable to them. You know what you can and cannot do and would not do anything that would be harmful to you or to others. Go and get that one-day privilege pass at the nearest spa or sign-up for a yoga class if you wish. But do not forget to accept yourself, love yourself and value yourself first and foremost. Live in true beauty… embrace true vanity… and be happy.

Resolution Towards Renewal

Faced with long lists of New Year’s resolutions and pronouncements of things to do and not do during the new year, I ask “what for?” After we have listed down things we resolve to do during the year, what then? Do we actually go on and stay faithful to our pronouncements? Or do we just go on with our lives and remember our list only after we have “violated” it?

The practice of listing down New Year’s resolutions, I have come to realize, has a more important purpose than to make us simply declare our desire to change our bad ways or to do good. I think that listing down New Year’s resolutions has the greater purpose of opening our eyes to what we have become and what we have yet to become. It should be an acknowledgement of the things we have achieved… a reaffirmation of the things we believe in… a reassessment of what we have become… a re-checking of our goals in life… and a vow to actually do something to become the person we want to be.

Imagine that you are going up a long and winding staircase. You are now at a landing. Stop. Look inside and outside yourself and get a clear picture of who you are in the present time. What have you become as a result of past experiences? What lessons have left indelible imprints on your person? What values that you hold are non-negotiable? Write everything down. Make a self-portrait.

Once you have everything down in writing, assess yourself. Do you like who you have become? What do you want to change about who you are? Are you willing to make these changes? How do you actually want to live your life? What do you actually want to achieve in your life? What are you aspiring for?

In one of my readings, I came across a quote that goes “if it is not in writing, it is not a GOAL, it is a WISH, a DREAM, a NEVER-HAPPEN.” If you want to achieve something, the first thing you have to do is to visualize it and write it down. You can keep a journal or you may choose to simply write down your goal on a sheet of paper and post it where you will always see it. Put your goals in writing. What are your short term goals? your long term goals? How do you see yourself 5 years from now? 10 years from now? 15 years from now?

Now that it is clear where you want to go, make your action plan. What are the things you have to do to attain your goals? Take small steps. Compartmentalize into important facets of your life – your career, your relationships, your physical appearance, your spirituality etc.. Your action plan should be realistic and doable. Open your mind and heart. You have to be willing to take these steps. If your action plan is to set aside 10 minutes everyday as your personal time, make sure you get your 10 minutes to yourself. Do not get up and do the laundry or pick up the phone or clean up the mess in the kitchen… these chores have their own time slot.

Be willing to make small changes along the way… to revise your plan as you go… not for the worse but for the better. Sometimes you have to retrace your steps to get to the right path… but be careful not to wander off too far in the wrong direction. That’s why it is important that your goals and action plans are in writing... so you can revisit it and check your progress.

Remember that your renewal is a continuing process. Be patient with yourself. Be happy with yourself. What is important is that you are moving towards what you really want to achieve, towards what you really want to become. Take the first step: decide on what you want to achieve. Then draw up and be faithful to your action plan. And then watch yourself metamorphose into your dream self. • • • January 4, 2006 • • •

Woes of an Unyielding Parent

When I quit my full-time job to become a full-time mom and a part-time marketing communications consultant and insurance agent, it felt like I was liberated from the steely corporate world into a world where I can do whatever I want and be with those who matter most to me. Yes, I gave up my career to be with my family… not without the elders shaking their heads at me. I followed my heart and took the plunge nevertheless.

Giving up my career isn’t the end of life. I still get to challenge my gray matter with consultancy work and with agency work. To top it all off, I constantly have to come up with creative ways to rear my daughter. Ahhhh, my daughter! She’s my greatest challenge. She’s my greatest motivation. Now, that’s the story I want to share.

Not having to be at the office at 8am means more time with my husband and daughter, more time to do stuff with them and make stuff for them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Martha Stewart or Betty Crocker but I sure have a knack for crafts and cookery. These are things I enjoy doing for my husband and my daughter. And, oh what a compliment it is to see their faces full of pleasure and enjoyment.

My daughter’s infancy and toddler years were a breeze. She’s more active than most but not all that much trouble. Come year 3, things started to go haywire. Nobody told me that the Terrible Twos extended way beyond the 2nd year. She’d talk off her head for hours, run around like crazy and reason like a teenager. More so, when she started schooling. I cannot help but feel like I’m the most inadequate parent around. Like I do not deserve the honor of being given a child to raise. There are times I thought maybe my daughter would’ve been better off having someone else for a mother.

A child is like Jello. Pure, simple and could be molded into whatever you want. It is delicately flavored and should be handled carefully. Once molded, it is difficult to change its shape. You have to melt it again and re-mold it. People want Jello different ways, mixed with fruit, drizzled with syrup, mixed with milk and so many other ways. The simplicity is gone. A well-made Jello, stands on its own… mixes with others but holds its own shape. It jiggles but it keeps its shape. Such is a well-raised child.

Raising my child with all the different influences around us is a challenge. It is a challenge to enforce rules without being regarded as a witch… I was, by the way, called a witch by my sisters when we were growing up. I have to be firm without being stifling. There are times when I felt like all I do is nag. No to this, no to that. But, what’s a parent to do? When a little child challenges you, what should you do? Funny, and childish, but you count to ten. :o) Then mentally compose your next statement. Be careful of what you say or you might regret it. A child’s mind is a recordable instrument. They seldom forget.

My daughter and I share happy times. Lots of them… cuddling on the bed, watching cartoons together, driving around, food trips in UP, working on jigsaw puzzles, nuzzling cheeks and noses, taking baths, walking the dog, doing homework, coloring her books, reading, doing crossword puzzles… oh, how precious these moments are. There’s more to come, I am sure. My child is a happy child. I sure hope she thinks I’m a happy mom too.

I love being a mom. But sometimes our jobs as parents are made difficult by the influences around us. That’s why we take extra care in choosing our caregivers, the school we take our children to, the TV shows we let them watch etc.. We do it now while we still can. But, what about the time when we no longer have control over these influences. We work hard now so that when that time comes, our children are able to decide for themselves what influences to welcome and what influences to shun. That’s our job… to prepare them for the future.

Amidst the contradicting forces and varied influences, I will stand steadfast in my determination to rear my daughter and mold her into the best that she can be. I shall not yield to the hurdles strewn my way. I might be an unyielding mom, but I am also most definitely a loving, caring and nurturing mom. It’s a tough job being a parent, but raising a child and seeing her through successes and failures could well be worth more than anything else in this world.