No, it’s not the romantic kind of heartache -- I don’t think I am ready yet for my little girl to have a love life. This one has to do with her first love, Taekwondo. For the first time in two years and 9 tournaments, she finished without placing in her category, but with a load of lessons in life nonetheless.
It was heart-wrenching for me to see her teary eyed as she took off her gear after losing a really close fight. It was the first time I saw that look of pain in her eyes and I knew she was fighting so hard to keep the pain inside her from showing. I actually wanted to cry at the courageous front she displayed. We gave her bear hugs and praised her for a well-fought match. She ran off to watch the other games with her friends, but kept on coming back for money to sample the different kinds of food in the cafeteria – she probably had about four cups of the local flavored shaved ice treat called scramble. The worrier in me can’t help but feel that there is something amiss despite her assurances that she is okay.
We finally got our alone time after school the next day and I took the opportunity to check how she felt about what happened. It bothered me to think that she might be hiding her feelings. Young as she is, I had to draw out her feelings and make sure that she processes them well. After a few minutes of sharing, she admitted that although she knew it was just a game, she felt some kind of “pain” deep inside that she could not explain. She said she felt like she disappointed her parents, her coaches, and everyone else who expected her to win. We cannot, I told her, allow this feeling to douse her spirits. We definitely are far from disappointed at her and definitely do not love her any less.
At 10 years old, this is just the first of several other heartaches she will be experiencing in life. Teaching her how to deal with failure and how to use her failure to improve herself is a lesson that she has to learn this early in life. Despite her young age, coddling her and blaming others for her failure is not the way to ease her heartache. Acknowledging what happened and seeing it for what it really is rather than waxing it over would actually allow her to move forward with valuable lessons in tow. Things do not always go as you wish. There are things that are not within your control. You simply have to learn how to deal with these variables to tip the odds more to your favor the next time. And if you should fail again, get up, learn from it, and try again.
It seems that my daughter’s spirits are still intact – I am happy that she is taking this heartache in stride. “I’m okay, mom. I know that I did my best and I was there not only for myself but for my team,” she said. Her indomitable spirit persists. As for us parents, we shall continue to love, nurture, and prepare her as best we could so that she can enjoy life knowing how to deal with failures and celebrate successes.
“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” Colin Powell
TIP BOX: Helping Kids Deal with Failure
1. Do not be judgmental. Continue to give support despite their failure. A big hug and words of encouragement would keep them from falling deeper into feelings of defeat. As parents, we should be able to reinforce feelings of being loved and to preserve our children’s self-esteem through failures.
2. Give them space. Especially for ‘tweens and older kids, hovering might not be a good idea and might only cause them to shut themselves off from you. Give them time to settle and talk about what happened when they are ready to express their feelings.
3. Help them sort through their emotions. It might be as simple as falling off a bike or struggling to finish an 8-piece puzzle, but such failures could bring a wave of emotions that could prove to be overwhelming for kids. Parental involvement in these failures is essential in helping kids sort through these emotions, identify what these emotions are, and learn how to deal with these emotions.
4. Foster perseverance. Help your child get up and try again. You and your child can both cull lessons from what happened and carefully plan out what improvements need to be done in order to succeed the next time around. Talk about his strengths and weaknesses and talk about how he can turn out a better performance.
5. Be a good example. Younger kids take their cues from their parents. The way you deal with failure and disappointment would influence the way your kids react to their own failures. Do not be the first one to cry foul over and react adversely toward your child’s failure. Show that failure is not as important as the lessons you learn from it.
“A man may fall many times, but he won't be a failure until he says that someone pushed him.” Elmer G. Letterman
