It was another melodramatic episode that we had the other night with my husband and my 9-year old daughter both wrangling with their emotions over an activity my daughter wanted to do but my husband would not allow her to – now, there’s nothing really unusual about that as I am sure a lot of parents struggle with the same issues. As I tried to calm our daughter and talk through her tears to try to make her understand, I found myself talking to her in the very same words our parents used some two decades ago when I myself was a teenager. Even as she kept on saying “it’s different now, Mom” when we started our talk, I pressed on until the tears ebbed and we came to a mutual understanding.
Her tears, according to her, are not because she’s mad but because she just feels that she needs to let out her disappointment about not being able to do something that she really wanted to do. After hearing her out, it’s time for her to hear me out. It was a long talk that we had – some two hours, maybe more, I think. Some of the things we talked about:
1. The birdling analogy: the more a birdling struggles to get free from your grasp, the tighter you grasp it. In the same way, we hold on to our children not to stifle them and curtail their freedom but because their wings are not just ready yet for them to fly off. Children should allow their parents to nurture them and prepare them for independence. When their wings are strong enough, they can flutter away into infinite skies without much difficulty and with enough sense to know the path home anytime they need comfort and solace. Cooperating with your parents and showing that you understand what they are teaching you will ease that grasp a bit at a time and earn you your freedom sooner than when you resist.
2. We want you to enjoy life. Not being allowed to do some things today, does not mean that we do not want you to enjoy life. Our decisions are definitely not intended to make you feel bad. There is a time and place for everything. You just have to continue growing and learning as you should until such time when you are ready to do all the things you want to do – at which point, you can fully enjoy your life with both you and your parents confident enough that your decisions are borne out of careful consideration and sound judgement rather than of mere emotional outburst.
3. There are a lot of disappointments in life. Just as you are now disappointed, there are a lot more disappointments that will come in your life. What will determine what happens after is the way you react to these disappointments. You cannot just wallow in tears and feel bad, harboring ill feelings and grudges. You have to be willing and able to shrug it off, knowing that you have a lot better things going in your life. Keeping these little bits of negative feelings will take up too much space in your mind and in your heart – space that would be better off storing happy thoughts and positive energies. Focus more on the things you can do to push yourself to become a better person every chance you get.
4. We are not perfect. Do not think that we are expecting you to be perfect as well. Our goal is to work together to prepare you as best we could for whatever cards life might deal you. Daddy and Mommy also make mistakes. You are part of the team – all three of us should cooperate to work towards improving ourselves and the life we live. In case any one of us makes a mistake, we have our family to turn to. No, your parents will not pick up the pieces for you but, they will be there every step of the way to see that you do get right back on track.
I am not entirely sure if it’s too early for us to be talking to her about the complexities of life, after all, life should be simple enough for children to enjoy. We ended with yet another one of our parents’ constant reminder that: we may not understand things just yet but if we keep an open mind and remember the things they are telling us, time will come when we will understand them and find them meaningful in our lives. My daughter seemed to have understood as she played an active role in our talk, injecting her own simple interpretations of the things I am imparting to her. And so, at 3 am, the tears were gone, we were hugging and chuckling, she said: “Thank you, Mom. I’m better now.”
P.S. With puberty coming around the corner, I expect that we will be having more of these talks. I do hope that she continues to approach our conversations with the same open eyes, mind, and heart. It is our belief that this collaborative approach to building our family is the best way to prepare her for the future. Oh Dear God, grant us the same discerning minds and nurturing hearts that you blessed our parents with to be able to steer our daughter through the challenges that make this life a truly exciting journey.
